It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
