My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
