bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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