I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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