how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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