She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
