worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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