I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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