i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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