Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
