Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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