no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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