me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
