I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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