fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Randomize
