i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Everclear isn't food dammit
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
