We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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