tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
