i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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