My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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