She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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