The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
