No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You're earring is so big in my mouth
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
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Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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