You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
