I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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