battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
