Your tits are I can't wait for
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
