Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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