my phone needs a breathalizer
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
