how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
