when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
