I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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