I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
