I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it's like iHOP with fire
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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