i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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