literally had 100 drinks last night.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
