There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize