I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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