I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
