I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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