if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
