i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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