Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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