I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
