Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This baby is an asshole
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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