I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
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Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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