so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i came on her dog
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
