So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
