i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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