come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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