Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Watching her eat just hurts me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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