we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
barbara walters just said penis...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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