his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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