listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
