i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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