One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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