Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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