You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
