Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
