At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
