I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
